I cannot tell you where I am. I cannot tell you where I belong. I am not even sure I can tell you where I’ve been, and I certainly have no clue as to where I’m going.
Thrown into the jungle without a compass and without a sun or moon as a guide. At times thinking it’d be better to just close my eyes and take whatever path presents itself. Knowing that choosing a path in blindness may be better than choosing a path to certain failure.
There’s a comfort in ignorance, right? “Well, I didn’t know…” Wouldn’t you like to know?
There’s a lot that’s worth knowing. For starters, I’d like to be able to find myself. The gps module wasn’t installed within me.
Searching. Turning over every rock to find the life within myself – to find what I desire most. So far, I’ve found the harsh, bitter earth flavored with decomposing matter much like my own core, and I’ve been cleaning the grit from underneath my nails for each of the past 2000 days. Hands marked with defensive scars from shielding my face against the obscenities I’ve created. I do not wish to see, but even without eyes, the blind gain wisdom.
Maybe there’s hope after all or maybe I’m just delusional about it all. Maybe I’ll be lost forever.
The following paragraph was written by me 6 years ago, and it’s still relevant to my life. Some things never change.
It feels like my tomorrows are my yesterdays. I keep re-living my mistakes. Every single mistake is framed in my memory hanging from the walls of a long winding hallway that doesn’t seem to end. I keep walking down that hallway until blisters have formed on the balls of my feet, and my legs are like jello waiting to give way. Tired cant begin to describe my mind and how it is meandering through thoughts, which I wouldn’t dare to speak of. I’m sure you can imagine, right?
Without knowing, I’d ruined something beautiful and gentle. Something with someone who yearned to know me beyond my smile. Someone who desired to understand me as if we were one.
“Music is the way to the heart. Music brings people together. Music is the international language.”
A million hours will pass and your words will still be stitched into my brain. Never fading. I was afraid for you to see…me. To see what I felt about you and life. I lacked the necessary courage to drive out that fear. I was not brave enough to try.
But I hear you now as clear as the first day of Spring with an unforgivable bite of chillness. With a stillness, you’ll remain in tact in my mind. Never mined. Never mine.
Success used to mean expensive cars, 3 story homes, degrees, notoriety/fame, etc. in the past. Experiences provide more insight into what is more important such as feeling valued in a career, living in a diverse community, being surrounded by loving and supportive people, having an income that allows you to save money and travel, volunteering to improve your community, finding someone to share your happiness with, etc.
It’s time to start chasing the things that matter the most. Re-frame your thoughts.
Screams from above
While I search in the darkness
Crawling on hands and knees
No moonlight to guide
Seeking the shelter of a known
No discernible help
The echoes deceive
They yell, “We’re over here!”
“Where? Where is here?” I reply.
“HERE! Look up!”
I respond with frustration, “Up!? But only the sky is up!”
Clumsily gathering to stand
Grasping the air for an arm, a hand
But no one remains
Did I take too long?
Am I in the wrong place?
Maybe…I just said the wrong thing
I saw this quote today, and it left me speechless.
“If someone decides they’re not going to be happy, it’s not your problem. You don’t have to spend your time and energy trying to cheer up someone who has already decided to stay in a bad mood. Believe it or not, you can actually hurt people by playing into their self-pity.” – Joyce Meyer
Those words cut me like a knife.
Lies destroy the power of truths. They tear away at the fabric of trust, and they plant seeds of shame and foster condemnation.
Never underestimate the power and freedom of living authentically and within your truths. Do not fear your imperfections.
Honesty hurts, but it heals in time. It provides hope and allows growth.
Remember, your character and integrity is all you’ll ever have in this life.