Category: Reflections

What I Want

They’ll never matter. My feelings, my wants, my desires. They waste space. They create jagged little wounds that won’t heal properly and will leave unsightly scars in their wake. And every day that you wake, they force you to question whom you are and whom you’ll be.

People look into my eyes and see whom they want me to be. Each day I pretend to be that fantasy, that unicorn, that dream, and it will never be a reality.

I’ve been trying to become whom I was born to be, but I’m not sure I was supposed to be born at all.


Fears Do Win

Five years ago, I wrote the below paragraph in my journal. Not much if anything has changed since then.

My fear is that I’ll always be here. That I’ll never escape to a brighter place.That my life will be wasted. That the pain will destroy me. That love will elude me. That I’ll succumb to despair. That my dreams will soon fade. That I’ll never be happy.


Undisclosed Location

I cannot tell you where I am. I cannot tell you where I belong. I am not even sure I can tell you where I’ve been, and I certainly have no clue as to where I’m going.

Thrown into the jungle without a compass and without a sun or moon as a guide. At times thinking it’d be better to just close my eyes and take whatever path presents itself. Knowing that choosing a path in blindness may be better than choosing a path to certain failure.

There’s a comfort in ignorance, right? “Well, I didn’t know…” Wouldn’t you like to know?

There’s a lot that’s worth knowing. For starters, I’d like to be able to find myself. The gps module wasn’t installed within me.

Searching. Turning over every rock to find the life within myself – to find what I desire most. So far, I’ve found the harsh, bitter earth flavored with decomposing matter much like my own core, and I’ve been cleaning the grit from underneath my nails for each of the past 2000 days. Hands marked with defensive scars from shielding my face against the obscenities I’ve created. I do not wish to see, but even without eyes, the blind gain wisdom.

Maybe there’s hope after all or maybe I’m just delusional about it all. Maybe I’ll be lost forever.

Tragic Heroism

The following paragraph was written by me 6 years ago, and it’s still relevant to my life. Some things never change.

It feels like my tomorrows are my yesterdays. I keep re-living my mistakes. Every single mistake is framed in my memory hanging from the walls of a long winding hallway that doesn’t seem to end. I keep walking down that hallway until blisters have formed on the balls of my feet, and my legs are like jello waiting to give way. Tired cant begin to describe my mind and how it is meandering through thoughts, which I wouldn’t dare to speak of. I’m sure you can imagine, right?

I hear you now

Without knowing, I’d ruined something beautiful and gentle. Something with someone who yearned to know me beyond my smile. Someone who desired to understand me as if we were one.

“Music is the way to the heart. Music brings people together. Music is the international language.”

A million hours will pass and your words will still be stitched into my brain. Never fading. I was afraid for you to see…me. To see what I felt about you and life. I lacked the necessary courage to drive out that fear. I was not brave enough to try.

But I hear you now as clear as the first day of Spring with an unforgivable bite of chillness. With a stillness, you’ll remain in tact in my mind. Never mined. Never mine.

What I Thought

Success used to mean expensive cars, 3 story homes, degrees, notoriety/fame, etc. in the past. Experiences provide more insight into what is more important such as feeling valued in a career, living in a diverse community, being surrounded by loving and supportive people, having an income that allows you to save money and travel, volunteering to improve your community, finding someone to share your happiness with, etc.

It’s time to start chasing the things that matter the most. Re-frame your thoughts.

Never right, Always left

Screams from above
While I search in the darkness
Crawling on hands and knees
No moonlight to guide
Desperate movements
Seeking the shelter of a known
No discernible help
The echoes deceive
They yell, “We’re over here!”
“Where? Where is here?” I reply.
“HERE! Look up!”
Clumsily gathering to stand
Grasping the air for an arm, a hand
Something, someone
But no one remains
Did I take too long?
Am I in the wrong place?
Maybe…I just said the wrong thing