What I Want

They’ll never matter. My feelings, my wants, my desires. They waste space. They create jagged little wounds that won’t heal properly and will leave unsightly scars in their wake. And every day that you wake, they force you to question whom you are and whom you’ll be.

People look into my eyes and see whom they want me to be. Each day I pretend to be that fantasy, that unicorn, that dream, and it will never be a reality.

I’ve been trying to become whom I was born to be, but I’m not sure I was supposed to be born at all.


Fears Do Win

Five years ago, I wrote the below paragraph in my journal. Not much if anything has changed since then.

My fear is that I’ll always be here. That I’ll never escape to a brighter place.That my life will be wasted. That the pain will destroy me. That love will elude me. That I’ll succumb to despair. That my dreams will soon fade. That I’ll never be happy.


The Survivalist

I no longer know what it feels like to desire love. I lost the sight of those dreams in the dark. Maybe it’s all for the best. One less face stinging with tears.

Dare me. Bet that I’ll change. If you could see the scorched plains of my soul, you’d refrain. Each day ripping the scab away from my love stoned heart. Never healing. Never forgetting. Bleeding through my shirt. A warning to heed for the voyagers who chip away and away with faithful interests that I don’t share. I won’t care. Won’t share the secrets I’m bound to…that define me…that shape my core. Somehow that leaves them wanting more of which I have none…so I flee to subzero lands. Praying the winter won’t cease. Praying the winter leaves no survivors.

Undisclosed Location

I cannot tell you where I am. I cannot tell you where I belong. I am not even sure I can tell you where I’ve been, and I certainly have no clue as to where I’m going.

Thrown into the jungle without a compass and without a sun or moon as a guide. At times thinking it’d be better to just close my eyes and take whatever path presents itself. Knowing that choosing a path in blindness may be better than choosing a path to certain failure.

There’s a comfort in ignorance, right? “Well, I didn’t know…” Wouldn’t you like to know?

There’s a lot that’s worth knowing. For starters, I’d like to be able to find myself. The gps module wasn’t installed within me.

Searching. Turning over every rock to find the life within myself – to find what I desire most. So far, I’ve found the harsh, bitter earth flavored with decomposing matter much like my own core, and I’ve been cleaning the grit from underneath my nails for each of the past 2000 days. Hands marked with defensive scars from shielding my face against the obscenities I’ve created. I do not wish to see, but even without eyes, the blind gain wisdom.

Maybe there’s hope after all or maybe I’m just delusional about it all. Maybe I’ll be lost forever.